


Cry Within My Soul

by MyFirstAndLastVow09



Series: Nygmobblepot One Shots and Short Stories [5]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ed and Oswald finally talk, F/M, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Edward Nygma, Panic Attacks, Season 4 canon divergence, instead of being horrible at communicating, post 4x19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 10:47:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17042285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFirstAndLastVow09/pseuds/MyFirstAndLastVow09
Summary: Takes place after Ed betrays Penguin and Grundy at the bank, and breaks Lee out of jail.Lee has noticed that ever since they came back to the Narrows, something’s been off about Ed. When is he ever not off, but more than usual...Ed and Oswald finally hash out what they’ve been needing to say for a long time.





	Cry Within My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Was in a weird mood, so I wrote an angsty fic here. Hope it’s up to par with my other ones! 
> 
> Italics : Riddler  
> Bold: Ed
> 
> Title is from Again by Lenny Kravitz

“You ok?” Lee has noticed there was something off kilter about Ed ever since they came back from the precinct. She even noticed when he kissed her before, when they had gotten out of the GCPD there was something off. She had him take off that ridiculous clown outfit and dump it somewhere to be burned. 

 

However, as long as she had known Ed, even before everything happened...she knew he was not the silent type. He was always babbling on about something or another. So, now that he was very quiet...well, it worried her more than she liked to admit. 

 

“Are you using me, Lee?” Ed blurted out in a rough voice. He still wouldn’t look at her.

 

She narrowed her eyes at the sudden question. “What are you talking about? We got what we both wanted,” 

 

Ed stood up to face her. “No. I got what _you_ wanted. Money for the Narrows. What I got was a previously rectified partnership in the gutter,” 

 

“Is this about Penguin and Butch? Seriously? What happened to if ‘they go against me, they went against you?’” Lee asked, accusingly. She could feel it all slipping away, and she would not give up without a fight. _Especially if it meant she was losing to someone like the Penguin, of all people._

 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Ed stepped closer, and they were chest to chest. Lee took a sharp intake of breath. Even though she wasn’t ‘in love’ with this man, Edward Nygma did cut a fine figure in a suit, she had to admit. Besides that, he did scare her just a little; _Especially now since his other persona was back..._ “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you aren’t using me,”

 

Lee looked up at Ed. Staring into his chocolate brown eyes, she found that she couldn’t lie to him. She sighed and shook her head. She was caught out, and knew there was no point in hiding it anymore.

 

Ed snorted quietly through his nose. “I knew it,” 

 

“You think Oswald wouldn’t have done the same thing in my position? I needed that money, you know I did! I did what I had to do! You wanted to help! You made that decision on your own!” 

 

“No. He wouldn’t have. I decided to help because I thought you cared about me, too. Wrong. I _hate_ being wrong...” Ed knew it was fruitless to stay here now. He gathered up his hat and gloves, putting them on. 

 

“How do you know? It’s not like he hasn’t done it before!”

 

Ed actually laughed, albeit darkly, at this. “Yes. Yes, he did.  But, there’s a big difference between you and him,” He walked toward the door. 

 

“There’s _lots_ of differences, but ok...” 

 

“I’m just pointing out the most obvious one. He learned his lesson in betraying me,” Ed felt satisfaction in seeing her eyes widen before he left, slamming the door. 

 

Ed felt sick. People were staring as he walked by them. Probably because he was always stuck at Lee’s side his entire time in the Narrows and now he wasn’t...he felt pathetic. He glared at them so they turned away.

 

Ed didn’t know where he was going, so he just kept driving through the city. Jeremiah’s crazy cult was still causing chaos, so he drove out of the way of the main part. About 30 minutes of driving, and a lot of screaming later...he was actually not surprised of where he ended up. 

 

In the driveway of Oswald’s mansion. 

 

He knew Grundy (or Butch, whatever. It didn’t matter), would have easily been able to bend those bars to get Oswald and himself out. That’s why he didn’t feel too bad locking them in, even though he did betray Oswald. _Again_. 

 

‘ _ **Oh. Just a piece of advice. Be sure to skim some off the top for when she tosses you aside,’**_  

 

Oswald’s words played over and over, like a broken record in his mind, making his stomach turn in knots.

 

_Didn’t I tell you? I told you she was trouble. I warned you, and you didn’t listen._

 

**Shut up!**

_We keep betraying the only person alive that gives a shit if we live or die_.

 

**No**.

 

_Yes. That’s exactly what we keep doing. You still cannot see._

 

**He froze me and put me on display**! 

 

_And you shot him and dumped him in a river_.

 

**He betrayed my trust first.**

 

_You can’t even remember her name, can you?_

 

**SHUT UP!**

 

_You drove here. What are you gonna do?_

 

Ed rested his head on the steering wheel and took deep breaths to calm himself. He felt like he was walking to his death, but he got out of the car anyway after a few minutes. He didn’t make it very far to the door before two of Oswald’s goons were on him.

 

“Whadya want, green bean?” A beefy man with no neck asked him.

 

“I need to see O—Penguin. Please. It’s an emergency,” 

 

“Oh, we’re going to see him, alright. Figured he’d want the honor of spillin’ your blood himself,” the man growled, he and the other beef stick grabbing his arms. 

 

“For God’s sake...” Ed sighed, and let himself be manhandled through the mansion. They stopped at Oswald’s office door, and rapped on it twice. 

 

“What!?” Ed heard Oswald screech from inside. _Oh, he sounds pleasant_...his other half supplied, unhelpfully.

 

“Boss, you’re gonna wanna see this,” the beef stick said. 

 

“Enter,” 

 

They dragged Ed through, feeling like they were going to rip his arms directly out of their sockets and knocking his hat off in the process. 

 

Oswald blinked at him once and glared at the two beef stick men. “ _Get out_ ,” 

 

They immediately turned and fled out the door, shutting it behind them. Ed opened his mouth, ready to start babbling apologies, but Oswald held up a hand. 

 

“Don’t. No. Just—don’t,” 

 

Ed stayed silent, and sat down on one of the chairs in front of Oswald’s desk. _Here it comes..._ Ed thought, not even daring to look in Oswald’s direction as he paced behind the desk. Ed didn’t see a gun or any other weapon in his hands, but then again, when did Oswald need a weapon to kill someone? He kept his eyes in his lap. 

 

“So...she toss you aside, then?” 

 

Ed looked up at him, confused. _Who was he talking—_ “Lee Tompkins. Did she tire of you that quickly? Did you wear out your usefulness?” Oswald asked, still pacing. 

 

_Hitting below the belt, but okay_ , Ed thought. “I deserve that,” 

 

“You _more_ than deserve that,” Oswald hissed. 

 

“She didn’t toss me aside...I left,” Ed explained. 

 

Oswald stopped pacing and looked at him. “You _what_?” 

 

“I thought about what you said...I couldn’t not think about it...and she admitted it when I asked her if she was using me,” 

 

“Of course she was, Ed! I told you she was! All for what? Trying to prove you can still have what you call a normal relationship?” 

 

“I—I—” 

 

“So, why did you help her? Because you quote-unquote ‘love’ her? Weren’t you the one who said love is a weakness?” Oswald said the word love with disgust. “Hell, you taught me that! Multiple times, might I add,”

 

“I thought I did...but I was fooling myself. Yet again,” Ed murmured, what was just above a whisper.

 

“What do you mean?” Oswald was genuinely curious, it seemed, because he walked to stand in front of Ed, leaning on the desk. 

 

“I just...I wanted to have someone there, I suppose. Apparently it didn’t matter who, or if they wanted me as well. She saw right through me and used it to her advantage. I deserved what I got,” Ed explained, taking off his glasses and rubbing his face in tiredness...and in defeat. 

 

Oswald cursed under his breath, but Ed heard it. “What?” Ed asked, looking up at him. 

 

“You—you—you really are so smart, that you are a fucking idiot sometimes, you know that? My mother said that phrase, ‘you can be so smart, you’re dumb’, but I never actually thought it possible.” 

 

Ed blinked at him. 

 

“Don’t make those deer in a headlight eyes at me, Ed! Jesus Christ!” Oswald threw a wine glass that was sitting on the desk against the wall and it shattered, making Ed jump. Oswald leaned down, resting his hands on the armrests of Ed’s chair, getting very close to him.

 

“ _I_ was there! I was there, god dammit! _I_ was fucking there!” Oswald yelled. Ed gasped in surprise. Not because of Oswald yelling; That was nothing new. It was because Ed saw tears streaming down his pale cheeks. “And where were you? You left me...alone...for a woman! A woman, Ed! Not once, but twice now! After everything we had been through! First, for a woman that you knew all of twelve hours before you miraculously fell in fucking love with her? Are you kidding me?” 

 

Oswald seemed to be on a roll, and Ed wouldn’t dare interrupt him. He valued his life... _somewhat_.

 

Oswald stood up and went to the chair beside Ed. “The first time, you asked me to break up with her _for_ you, like we were in 7th grade or something! But, I loved you with every fiber of my being...so of course I would have moved a fucking mountain if you asked me to. So, I did it. Or tried to, anyway.” 

 

“I remember now,” Ed whispered...wincing when he remembered _how_ she got him to stay with her. Dear God...looking back, it was rather creepy and manipulative...

 

“She went on and on about how she loved you and you loved her, blah blah blah. But, she said ‘do you realize how rare that is? Of course you do...because you love him, too.’ I wanted to smack the smile off her face!” Ed gasped at this. Oswald never told him this part of the conversation, but why would he lie now? “Yeah, she fucking knew,” 

 

“You still went behind my back and betrayed me. You made a choice _for_ me, without even letting me know all the cards on the table.” Ed argued.

 

“Yes, I did. And I regret it every day that I breathe. I learned that I loved you so much, that I was willing to die for you. I was willing to let Barbara fucking Kean kill me. For you. Even after you escaped the ice, and came after me, threatening to shoot me...again, might I add...I still let you go. Even then, I still couldn’t see you die. I couldn’t—I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t even bear seeing you frozen again.” 

 

Ed felt his own tears stream down his face. He didn’t want to hear anymore. But, not like he had much of a choice; Oswald didn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Still... “Stop it,” he said, shaking his head. 

 

“I let you out of the prison of your own mind, while you helped me out of mine at Arkham, for a crime I didn’t commit. You saved Martin. You didn’t give me up to Sofia and the Dentist. I shot those thugs ready to kill you, giving up my own chance to take down the woman who took everything from me.”

 

“I thought—I thought that we could have at least been friends; that we were on the road to recovering what we had, since we were there for each other so much lately. But...when I saw you...with yet another woman, taking advantage, ready to blow me off yet again for her...I couldn’t take it. I literally said to myself, ‘Fuck it. Let him see for himself,’” _Oswald couldn’t seem to stop now that he got started, Ed reasoned. He must’ve been holding this in for awhile..._

 

“I came back here, not even a few hours ago...and I asked myself why in the hell I would ever choose to keep doing this? Why do I choose to keep trusting you, over and over?” Oswald chuckled, thickly through his own tears, and wiped his eyes. “The answer is obvious. I’m a masochist...You said that I let my base emotions drive me. Hm. Well, you’re right. I do. I always have, and I can’t change it,”

 

“Damn you, Oswald!” Ed couldn’t take it anymore. He jumped up from his own seat in a fury, slamming a fist on the desk. He glared at Oswald, breathing heavily. 

 

“You never...you never told me. You never said a word about how you felt before it was too late. The one person who was never supposed to hurt me,” Ed squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again, clenching his jaw, “did by betraying me in the worst way. You put your happiness before mine. Yes, you may have learned your lesson, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you did it!” Oswald was shocked to hear all of this spill from Ed’s mouth, going by the gaping look he wore. He didn’t stop him, though. So Ed continued on, “If you loved me as much as you claim you did, why didn’t you tell me? That’s something people who love other people tell them!” 

 

“I—“

 

“No more excuses! We have nothing to lose anymore! This city will probably be in fucking ruins before long, if that wackjob has his way! Tell me, Oswald! Answer me!” Ed yelled. Oswald jumped in surprise at the change in volume, and when Ed cursed like that. 

 

Oswald stood up to match him. “I was afraid!” 

 

Ed stepped closer to him. “So, because you were a coward, you decided to try and choose for me? What did you think? I wouldn’t ever find out?! I used to work in a CRIME LAB, Oswald!” 

 

“If I could go back and change it all, you best better believe I would. I swear to you, I would,” Ed let out a breath in frustration at Oswald’s words. “I can’t do that, so I tried atonement, instead.” 

 

“Atonement? So that’s what all of that was,” 

 

“Are you on glue, or do you not remember I froze you in a block of ice?” Oswald shot back.

 

“So, all of that letter as an apology was bullshit, then? Just because you needed my help,” Ed spat.

 

“No! God no!” 

 

“Because I did believe you really were sorry,” 

 

“Because I am! I just said if I could go back and do it all over, I would!” Oswald cried. 

 

Both men stared at each other, breathing slowly coming back to normal. Oswald shook his head, looking sad. Ed wasn’t faring much better.

 

“Ed, we keep going in circles. I can’t do it anymore,” Oswald sighed, and physically slumped. 

 

“What does _that_ mean?” Ed was scared now. Not if Oswald was going to kill him, but when Oswald looked defeated like that...he never looked like that. Except for when he was in Ed’s apartment those years ago. When he almost gave up being King of Gotham...

 

“I mean, that I can’t keep doing this. You. Me. Us...I just can’t do it. Back and forth. I know I can’t kill you, and you can’t kill me...so we should just...” 

 

“Just what? Oswald, come on. Talk to me,” Ed pleaded.

 

“Go our separate ways. Never see or talk to one another ever again,” Oswald had more tears stream down and his voice cracked when he said this. 

 

“No,” Ed whispered, before turning to face away from Oswald. “No,”

 

“Ed...this is the only way,” Oswald choked out. Ed blinked away more tears. He couldn’t remember ever crying more in his life. “You know it can’t be any other way,”

 

“No. No, no, no, no. This isn’t right,” 

 

Ed could hear Oswald crying harder, judging by the small sounds coming from him. He turned, to see Oswald’s head bowed into his chest. Ed was in physical pain from restraining himself from going to comfort him. “Do you think I want this? But how else do we prevent hurting each other?” 

 

“You haven’t hurt me, though. It was all me, this time,” Ed was talking through his own tears now.

 

“Doesn’t matter. This is going to happen again and again...something is always going to come between us,”

 

“I—“ Ed found he couldn’t find the right words for an argument.

 

“See, even you cant even argue that it won’t!” Oswald exclaimed. 

 

Ed began pacing back and forth; a war going on inside his head that Oswald couldn’t see. Or he hoped he couldn’t see...

 

_We’re going to lose him. Again_. 

 

**No. I can’t**. **I can’t lose him...**

 

_Then, you better do something_.

 

**What?**

 

_Face the truth for once in your life, damn it._  

 

Ed felt like he’d been hit over the head with a brick; not in pain, but the way his vision went blurry. He shook his head quickly to try and shake off the feeling. Ed felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest, making it hard to breathe. _Panic attack_...he hadn’t had one of these since he worked at the GCPD...

 

“Ed?” He heard Oswald’s voice, but had he been so far away before? “Ed!” 

 

_Darkness_. 

 

~~~~~~ 

 

Ed could hear a voice...far away, but still there...Could feel someone slapping his face. He slowly blinked back into reality. “W-What?”

 

“Jesus Christ, Ed! What the hell happened?” Oswald sounded panicked, and Ed could tell he’d been worried. He got this crinkle in his brow, which Ed had the urge to smooth away.

 

“I—I don’t know. I just—blacked out, I guess. That’s never happened to me before,” Ed gingerly sat up from the floor, assuming he had slumped down from his position he once held. He noticed Oswald on the floor too. “You’re going to hurt your leg,”

 

“When is the last time you’ve eaten something?” Oswald asked, ignoring the last part he said.

 

“Don’t remember, honestly. I think yesterday? Maybe the other day? I don’t know,” Ed shook his head, trying to relieve some of the fuzziness. “Oswald, don’t worry about that right now,” 

 

“How can I not when you just passed out on me?! You can’t starve!” Oswald sounded worried, which made Ed’s little light of hope inside him flicker back to life. 

 

“I can eat later. What I can’t do later is say what I need to say to you,” Ed stood up and faced Oswald, who was looking at him with a wary expression. “I—I don’t want to lose you again. You were right; there is no Ed Nygma without the Penguin.” 

 

Oswald shook his head. “Ed...don’t do this.”

 

“I need to. I’ve been avoiding this conversation since the night after the Sirens party,”

 

“Wait. Since _when? The Sirens_? When I was Mayor?!?” Oswald widened his eyes, looking a little shocked. Ed nodded in confirmation.

 

“Yeah, and I’ve been avoiding it since because—because I was never so sure of anything in my life when I said I’d do anything for you. I’ll never forget that look on your face. I was...I was sure that you were going to kiss me. When you didn’t, I sort of gave up on the fact you felt anything more than friendship for me,”

 

Oswald started crying, again, and it seemed to make him annoyed. “Ed, I swear to god, if this is some kind of trick...”

 

“No tricks. Not anymore. I can’t do this anymore either. I was telling the truth, that night. I would have done anything for you. _Anything_ ; which included me leaving that woman for you,” Ed still couldn’t remember her name and it was bugging him. 

 

“You would have left Isabella...if I asked you to?” Oswald asked, in sheer disbelief. 

 

Ed snapped his fingers in realization. “That’s it! Isabella! That has been bugging me for months!” 

 

Oswald was still in shock, so he stayed silent. Ed took this as his cue to continue.

“It doesn’t matter. I would have. I would have left her for you in a heartbeat,” 

 

“For—for me?” Oswald was shaking now, visibly. Ed stepped closer to him, and laid a gentle hand on his arm. Oswald flinched a little, and that cut Ed to his very core. 

 

“I never wanted to be without you, Oswald. You’re the only person who understood me. You’re the only one who never tried to change me, or call me a psychopath. You make me whole. Literally. There’s no war inside my head right now. That’s only ever happened when you are with me. Don’t you see? I need you, Oswald. Even though I know you probably don’t need me anymore. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Ed chuckled, sadly. “What would you need a mess like me around for?” 

 

“Ed, you fucking infuriating specimen of a man. How can you even say I don’t need you? Of course I do,” Oswald looked up into Ed’s eyes, laying a hand on top of Ed’s. Ed sighed at the touch, realizing Oswald had taken his gloves off.

 

“You’re hands were always so cold,” 

 

Oswald sighed and squeezed Ed’s hand. “I don’t know what to do anymore. With us. I thought that by saying we should be apart would have been the end of it, and we could both move on. But, look at us. How many months did we spend apart, and we got thrown together how many times? And here we are again,” 

 

“I don’t know what to do either,” Ed confessed. “But, I do know I’d like to figure it out together,” 

 

“How?” 

 

“I don’t know,” 

 

Oswald actually laughed, wiping the tears from his face. “You know what? I don’t either.” 

 

“So...What now?” Ed asked. 

 

“Since we’re being honest with each other, I have to say that I never stopped loving you, Edward Nygma. And I never will.” Ed gasped with this confession. “What? Surprised?”

 

“Even after everything? Everything we’ve been through and put each other through?” 

 

“My mother told me this before; ‘You only have one true love in your life. When you find it, run to it.’ I took an unnecessary detour, of course. When do I not? But, I know that I will always love you. I should have told you that night,” Oswald winced, making Ed confused. 

 

“What night?” He asked. 

 

“Actually, scratch that. I couldn’t have told you that night. You missed dinner,” Oswald half smiled, but sadly, at the memory. 

 

“What dinner? Wh— _Oh_. That’s when I met her. You told me to meet you for dinner at 8 o’clock.” Ed widened his eyes in realization. “I was picking us up wine when I—“ 

 

“Met the now infamous Isabella,” Oswald supplied for him. “Yes. But, even so. I still should have told you. Sat you down and told you, but I admit I was a coward.” 

 

“I shouldn’t have missed it. You’ve—you’ve loved me since then?” Ed was in disbelief. No one had ever loved him this much, and Ed’s heart was beating so fast he was afraid it might burst. 

 

Oswald smiled, and laid a hand on Ed’s cheek. “Before that, I was very fond of you. You taught me what love was, and what it felt like to love someone with everything you are.” He strokes Ed’s cheekbone with his thumb, and Ed leaned into his touch. “I should have told you how much you meant, and still mean, to me.” 

 

“Oswald—“ Ed was crying openly now, not even trying to hide it anymore. 

 

“Why don’t we figure this out together? I know I’m the one who suggested separation but we won’t get anywhere by doing that,” Oswald suggested. 

 

“I’d like that,” Ed sniffed and smiled at him. “For the record, you mean a lot to me too, Oswald,” The smile Ed got in return was all the answer he needed...

 

A knocking broke them out of their bubble they had created. Oswald sighed in annoyance, and removed the hand he had on Ed’s cheek, but keeping it on his shoulder. Ed chuckled at his annoyed face. “What?” 

 

“Boss? We got a problem. Bombs going off all over the city,” A gruff voice came from the other side.

 

“Jeremiah Valeska. It has to be. His people were causing all sorts of problems when I drove up here,” Ed told him. Oswald narrowed his eyes.

 

“I hate that there are two of them. Jerome was fucking enough, let me tell you. Well, Ed. Looks like we have work to do.” Oswald walked over to his chair and threw on his coat he had hanging over it. Ed followed him when he walked through the door, picking up his hat in the process and placing it back on his head. “You.” He pointed at the man outside the door. “Make a quick sandwich and bring it to me. Ham and spicy mustard.” Oswald looked at Ed, up and down. “Make it two, and grab a soda or two, also,”

 

“Yes, sir,” the man scurried away to do as he was told. 

 

Ed pulled Oswald back by the hand. “Ed, we have to go,” Oswald insisted, trying and failing to tug Ed forward.

 

Ed pulled the hand he was holding to his lips, kissing it softly. “Thank you,” he whispered. Oswald did that fluttering thing with his eyes that Ed had missed so much for a moment ( _how could this man be the most feared in Gotham and yet be this adorable?_ ) and yanked him along again. 

 

“Come on. You can thank me when we know what the hell is going on, and how we can avoid being blown to bits by that lunatic,” Oswald was blushing, and that alone made Ed extremely happy.

 

“Cannot wait,” Ed grinned, holding onto his Penguin’s hand even tighter as they made their way to the car...and their future.

**Author's Note:**

> Cannot wait for Season 5, but until then I shall fic my heart out. Thanks for reading!


End file.
